Know Thyself to Know the Other

Know thyself: One of the best-known Delphic maxims, inscribed above the entrance to the Temple of Apollo

Know thyself. Perhaps the world’s best-known philosophical maxim, this advice originated from an inscription above the entrance to the ancient Temple of Apollo in Delphi, Greece. I think it is possibly the wisest advice I have ever heard, but before I even heard it, I was already striving to do it.

Most humans spend a lot of their lives attempting to know others, and it is usually only when we suffer confusing rejections in various forms that we notice that we might be missing a few details about our very selves. If we are brave enough, and astute enough, we may embark on the odyssey of self-knowledge. To turn away from this pursuit is to resign oneself to being a puppet, at the mercy of circumstance and others’ expectations, and prone to unpredictable emotional storms.

If we don’t uncover many of the hidden motivations and mechanisms within ourselves, we have little chance of noticing them in others. Given that others have different operating systems, so to speak, we are easily baffled when they don’t behave as we would expect, based on our own standards. The Enneagram personality typing system offers compelling evidence of this, and it can help relationships exponentially. Again; if we have not even fathomed our own idiosyncrasies, other people’s will remain a mystery.

Natural know-it-alls

The funny thing is that it seems to be a human inclination to assume that we know more than we actually do, about ourselves and about others. About everything, in fact - just question an average teenager. As a result, we have all felt misunderstood and misjudged by others, while undoubtedly causing the same in them. This is painful. Perhaps it is why we are so keen to be known, and understood by others.

It may be disappointing when you eventually realise that not so many people in life will truly wish to know you deeply, though it should not be the insult that it seems. It is often because, in relationship at least, revelation tends to require reciprocity, and not so many have the knowledge of self, let alone the words to articulate the full spectrum of their past realities, especially the murky, long-buried aspects. When you throw deep-rooted traumas into the mix, it becomes even more difficult. An unconscious conviction that it is not safe to reveal vulnerable truths prevails.

The majority of people you entangle with will probably be more inclined to benefit from the trimmings of your personality than to inquire into your recesses, with their unpredictable contents; to ask uncomfortable questions about the historic events that chipped away at your original sense of self; to uncover the potentially discomfiting details that determined the intricately irregular edges of who you are right now. 

These are layers to be peeled back by very few inquisitive souls, but it is often not the few you hope it will be, nor anticipate it being. Soul is the key word, because such exploration is an endeavour of the soul, rather than the egoic mind, which is both fooled and satiated by complex yet superficial personas. 

It takes one to know one

It takes courage to inquire into another, since a person can only receive the truth of who you are as deeply as they have met themselves. To meet oneself fully is a lifelong quest, and to relay what one has discovered on this journey brings no guarantees of genuine empathy or understanding, even from the most willing of souls. In fact, it often garners rejection if shared with the ‘wrong’ person; that is, someone who hears alarm bells go off when you share vulnerability, for fear that they will be required to expose themselves too.

Perception has seemingly infinite angles, and true resonance is an alchemical result generated only by parallel experiences and emotional states. When another person has no experience with which to relate to yours, it is difficult for them to empathise. The best they can do is process it through the rational faculty: how would I feel if I experienced something like that? The less imaginative are more likely to reject your tales outright, and change the subject as soon as politeness allows for it.

This explains why friendship groups so often have a theme of common interests or personality traits. It is so much easier to relate, and therefore less effort has to be made to connect. We naturally understand each other without having to dig up elaborate explanations to make ourselves clear. Life would be quite tedious if we had to justify our perspectives constantly. However, birds of a feather may be fun and rewarding, but they are more likely to agree with you on most topics. If they share the same sorts of blindspots with you, they won’t notice yours. Even if they do, it takes guts to admit such things with another unless the foundations of friendship have been shown to be stable through tried-and-tested means.

That old devil called love

It is in the realm of romantic relationships that we seem to struggle the most; it is also where the need to be known is at its strongest and most urgent. Why does it feel like a stake through the heart when we try to convey our vulnerabilities in the name of connection, only for it to fall on deaf ears? It is because we have attached to the idea that this is the person who must provide us with a sense of safety. You are here now, so I can breathe out. You are the one who understands me and loves me unconditionally. It is unrealistic and unreasonable, but we treat them as a child treats a parent or a primary caregiver. Unless we can know ourselves well enough to see these dynamics unfolding and accept responsibility for them, this then becomes the thing that eventually erodes the relationship.

Nevertheless, to know and be known is an inextinguishable soul urge. Yet there are no milestones, no markers or confirmations that the goal has been reached, or is even reachable. What is attainable is the awareness of how one came to be ‘who’ one is at any given time, after commitment to witnessing the unfoldment of self. Likewise, the aim is the generation of stability and consistency within the tri-part beings that we are.

Only when some degree of this has been established does a person develop the commitment to inquisitive communication with others, opting into honest relating in a search for deeper intimacy rather than seeking to judge for a sense of personal safety. One can utilise the fruits of their own discoveries to extend the quest to discovering the essence of another person, bearing witness to the union of fragmented memories, as well as reaching beyond the limits of language to absorb what only the eyes can convey.